Today 07 March 2017 will be exactly one week since I stopped taking antidepressants after 10 long years of medication. I stopped on February 28, exactly 10 years after the first time I was obliged to take my first antidepressant when I was interned by force in a psychiatric hospital due to suicidal behaviors…
It had been a while since I started finding it insane to give authority to a small object, a very small pill to make me « functional ». Ironically, for a long time now I have been following a spiritual path and I know that it is my thoughts that make me suffer, that it is my beliefs, my attachment to the past and my unconscious guilt that make me live in hell and I had long understood that it was then the healing of my mind that would get me out of it. Despite all that knowledge, every day and at the same hour, I swallowed my pills.
I’ve always found « insulting » the Norwegian common name for antidepressants: « Lykkepiller » (The pills of happiness). I wonder how this name has survived to this day in a country where many are fueled by antidepressants. Given the time and the number of people who use that type of medication, how is it that it is not yet clear that these pills do not give happiness and to call them as such is so erroneous that I feel upset.
When someone has experienced deep and long depressions like me, one knows how miserable can someone feel! So miserable that we are open to anything that would help us keep our heads above water so that we do not drown. When someone experiences deep depression, he/she feels like he/she is going to die. And the person knows that, although she swallows pills every day that help her maintain her head above water, she has not yet escape the waves! She’s still in the open sea and could still descent into its abyss.
The times when I shared with some friends how badly depressed I felt and heard myself being replied by “How come you’re feeling so bad? Aren’t you taking your pills of happiness?! No?” I then understood the gravity of such an appellation and how misleading and disappointing it is! For “whoever drinks the water of life should have eternal life” as it is said in the Bible. Similarly, anyone who takes pills of happiness should have happiness. Nothing further from the truth! This « lykkepiller » appelation should be simply striped from the Norwegian language.
2007 – 2017! Ten years of a psychologically difficult life! From now one, I take the radical decision to let go of all dependence to a pill but rather to dedicate myself in training my mind on its inner ability to choose peace. I do not want to enter a new decade that looks like the one that passed. I choose a present and a future different from the last ten years, from tears to joy, from solitude to connections, from poverty to abundance, from antidepressants to the healing of my mind. From now on and one day at a time. One day at the time!
“Happiness is the decision I must make.
I make it now and I will not change my mind
because it is the only thing I want.”
– A Course In Miracles
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